The rise and fall. Emotions and the lifestyle of a gambler.

It's been a few days now.  The past week has been both interesting and flying at super speed.  When it comes to being a card player that's just how it is.  Everything is uncertain.

I'd rather just be in school, with no vices, and learning something relevant so people that are close to me get some kind of hopeful feelings.  My family is rather conservative, and I'm extremely liberal.  They get really scared about how I go about things in life, but I just wouldn't be happy any other way I don't think.

I get scared too.  When you've got everything to your name on the line just to eat or get gas the next day its not easy at all.  One wrong move then you've got to figure out how you're going to get back on your feet again.

I just love the intense adrenaline.

Sometimes its hard to get up and even go the next day because it feels like the future has already collapsed in my life.  I'm stuck at the bottom and I feel like there's no way out.  I've stopped learning anything that doesn't involve cards.

And it sucks....


There are so many things left to do in the world, and I can't achieve anything.  At least that's how I feel.  I'm so held back by a special someone I used to know.  It's like I'm forced to prove her wrong.  I don't know why I feel so obligated to fight for this, but until I win I can't stop.  And its a losing battle.

I guess emotions just make you crazy...

I constantly ask myself if this loathing is even remotely okay, and I answer every single time NO.
It's like some uncontrollable force pulling me into this more and more.  I feel exactly like the seven mary three  song "cumbersome".  I wish I could stop it or change it somehow, but after all this time I've grown to just accept it.

It drives me insane, and I'm not being sarcastic.

I've had many downs though, and with my hard work somethings have paid off.

I played heads up against a very good poker player and beat him 2 out of 3 times to earn 20$ and a possible staking on a major level.  This quite possibly could have been the break I've been needing for so long.


I'm starting to think that if you want something bad enough, and you don't take no for an answer you, can do anything.
Shit just keeps falling into place.  And I've been doing absolutely nothing to cause it.  It's crazy.


Deep down inside all I tell myself is this:  I'm gonna be a great one.  Never give up.  Make this shit happen.  And prove them all wrong.