day two

Starting where I left off last night.... I'm going to talk about me "functioning" in society.



This is the bottom line: I don't know how to do anything other than play cards.

I hate this so much.  I used to be so versitile of a person that could manage to do anything.  Now all I do is fight for sleep and battle an addiction to cigarettes.  It's pretty pathetic.

My anxiety has gotten so bad that I have at least one nightmare every night or so.  There was a point to where I was taking medication and managing but now I cant afford to do anything.





(the sound of a tape rewinding.......)





Screw all that sulking crap....



Today I woke up and my grandmother was like "Tyler! You need to leave, you can't go home, and you need to find somewhere else to live".  I was like well fuck this day!

I went out in my car and drove a few miles.  I had the windows down jamming to some At the drive-in.  I stopped at thortons to get a soda then drove a little more.  I was just trying to clear my head.  I desparatly wanted to be at work to day.  I just couldn't get to sleep at a reasonable time.  My mind wouldn't let me.

Now I'm sitting here thinking of what else to write.



Well There are a few things on my mind right now.



1. I have to play test and gear up for the Protour for magic the gathering in a few months in montreal.

2. I need to get a job bad, or just wake up and go to the warehouse and work.

3. I should probably eat something.

4. I need to save up four thousand dollars to start making money at poker.

5. I need to go back to school something fierce.

6. I don't know where to start..... lol





FEEBLE!



I feel so useless sometimes, but I can't understand why.

I know why.  I just can't understand why I've become such a useless commodity as far as living is concerned.



Its like being stuck in a whirlwind of problematic senarios... Like I have no money, no gas, nothing really.  I need these things to go work and stuff.  I'm in debt up to my knees at this point so the more money I ask for I just get the backlash.  It's a never ending cycle of bullshit and misery!~

Atleast I managed to get settle up with Trey.  Glad one thing good has came out of this.



Well I need more fodder to write about today.  I don't want to write about anything serious right now.  I've got a lot of things saved up when it comes to serious topics like war and politics and religion.



So, I'ma see if I can't go up to the shop and at least practice welding again today.  I hope there is some productive value in that.  If not, At least I've tried.